OPINION: Trump vows to protect women. What could go wrong?

Don’t worry, women of America. Donald Trump is going to protect you at a level never seen before!
I know this because the former president said so in a social media post this weekend, and I’ve never known the man to lie. Prior to his promise of never-before-seen levels of protection, I didn’t even know there were ways to measure levels of woman-protecting. But that is the genius of the GOP presidential nominee, who kind of inconveniently is an adjudicated rapist, but we’re not going to worry about that on account of all the supergood women-protecting he will be doing.
On Friday night, on the heels of an event in which Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris spoke compassionately about abortion rights, Trump posted the following, presumably in all caps so America’s women would know how seriously he meant it all:
“WOMEN ARE POORER THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, ARE LESS HEALTHY THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, ARE LESS SAFE ON THE STREETS THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, ARE MORE DEPRESSED AND UNHAPPY THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND ARE LESS OPTIMISTIC AND CONFIDENT IN THE FUTURE THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO! I WILL FIX ALL OF THAT, AND FAST, AND AT LONG LAST THIS NATIONAL NIGHTMARE WILL BE OVER. WOMEN WILL BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, CONFIDENT AND FREE!”
Huzzah! Isn’t that great news, women? Trump provided no evidence to support his claims that you all are miserable, depressed, pessimistic and living in constant danger of street violence, but trust him. You all are definitely all of those things, but you will soon be none of those things as long as you vote for the man who helped take away your federal right to an abortion.
Trump’s post continued:
“YOU WILL NO LONGER BE THINKING ABOUT ABORTION, BECAUSE IT IS NOW WHERE IT ALWAYS HAD TO BE, WITH THE STATES, AND A VOTE OF THE PEOPLE ‒ AND WITH POWERFUL EXCEPTIONS, LIKE THOSE THAT RONALD REAGAN INSISTED ON, FOR RAPE, INCEST, AND THE LIFE OF THE MOTHER ‒ BUT NOT ALLOWING FOR DEMOCRAT DEMANDED LATE TERM ABORTION IN THE 7TH, 8TH, OR 9TH MONTH, OR EVEN EXECUTION OF A BABY AFTER BIRTH.”
OPINION:Vance pushes racist lies, Trump just makes stuff up. Are they even trying to win?
Some women may be saying, “Hey, I preferred the way things were under Roe v. Wade, what is this misogynistic weirdo on about?” Or possibly: “I live in a state that now has draconian abortion restrictions so I or my daughter could die from lack of medical care if there’s an emergency health issue during pregnancy.” Others might be saying, “Nobody is executing babies, you dishonest dolt, why the hell are you making stuff up?”
But if you’re saying any of those things, Trump would all but surely and not-at-all-sexist-ly advise you to just calm down.
The remainder of his post reads: “I WILL PROTECT WOMEN AT A LEVEL NEVER SEEN BEFORE. THEY WILL FINALLY BE HEALTHY, HOPEFUL, SAFE, AND SECURE. THEIR LIVES WILL BE HAPPY, BEAUTIFUL, AND GREAT AGAIN!”
OPINION:You’re not imagining it. Republicans have been weird about women for years.
How can anyone see that as anything but great news? Don’t you understand, women of America? You will all be “HEALTHY, HOPEFUL, SAFE, AND SECURE” and your lives will be “HAPPY, BEAUTIFUL, AND GREAT AGAIN!”
You’re not going to suggest that a man telling you something in all-caps is wrong, are you? Because it seems like he REALLY means it.
Now granted, the day after Trump posted all that he wrote another thing on Truth Social calling female MSNBC host Stephanie Ruhle a “ ‘dumb as a rock’ bimbo.”
But that was just a very high level of woman-protection, so high that American women can’t actually see it.
And yes, Trump has, as The Washington Post reported in 2016, “bragged in vulgar terms about kissing, groping and trying to have sex with women during a 2005 conversation caught on a hot microphone.” And yes, a jury found him liable for sexual abuse.
And it is true Trump nicknamed his GOP female primary opponent Nikki Haley “birdbrain” and once posted: “Birdbrain doesn’t have the TALENT or TEMPERAMENT to do the job.” And it could be considered relevant that in May he was convicted on 34 felony charges of falsifying business records to cover up hush money paid to an adult film star he allegedly had an affair with while his wife was home with their newborn.
And Trump might have referred to that adult film star, Stormy Daniels, as “horseface.” Repeatedly.
But that was all BEFORE he all-caps assured women in America that he would protect them at a level never seen before. Clearly, after that important and totally believable social media declaration, Trump is the man you can trust to protect your non-man interests and rights!
What could possibly go wrong?
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk